Dikpik Netstats; a new way to look at the future.
A new data driven approach to enhance your productivity, validated by a state of the art GAN neural network.
When I walked into this meeting two days ago, little did I know that my life will change forever. I met a group of super smart ivy league dropouts, who was cuddling in a dorm for three long years before they came up; luckily with this product. I bet, the world is going to change forever.
I know, as a VC, I am supposed to be shrewd; I don’t mince words. As a super productive 10x engineer in my previous avatar, I used to guzzle my bottled breakfast in 30 seconds so that I could cram some productivity there as well.
As I can never get enough talking about myself, I will rein myself here. I will spare you off my adventures — how I had a strict no laptop,smartphone policy in my latrine and how toilet paper helped me spruce up my code. Nothing doing, we will talk about the future here.
Okay, the proposition was all about consolidation. The fundamental quest of tech is to meet the needs of humans. Since Agricultural revolution took care of food and now industrial revolution covering the material needs, it’s high time that we focus on our basic instincts.
The hormones trick us into succumbing to the evolutionary pressures by committing the same mistakes again and again. So to rein in sex and to create a more egalitarian world (the well known wet dream of all billionaire philanthropists out there), where everyone gets laid, we decided to apply AI in match making.
This will obliterate porn industry and create the much needed sexual revolution that the millennials badly need. LSD and Rishikesh may have produced a Steve Jobs and some Beetles, but for this existential crisis that plague the millennials, we ought to engineer our own open-source, AI enabled, future proofed sexual revolution that will somehow fall in line with the gig economy.
And the search ends here.
Gender inequality sets back the world GDP by $12 trillion every year. Due to lack of human development in India (basically kids going stunted, wasted and sometimes die because there aren’t fed well), India suffers a growth dip of up to 21% per year.
Sometimes, I get nightmares about what we could have been doing with this sort of money. Not just the $400 million Yatches or the $450 million Da Vinci paintings that Mohammed bin Salman could have bought with it, but the very idea of loss of productivity that is materialised as a dollar figure here. It tears me apart!
I don’t really care about women being mistreated and forced into tweeting #MeToo once in a while! Not a drop of tear shed for the kids who die and live as diffident simpletons due to lack of food and education.
But when their problem is adorned with the delectable “$” sign, I feel the animal spirits rising and putting myself all in zone to rise and solve these ‘problems’! To make this world a better place through innovation, problem solving and 'brain’ storming. Huuuurrrraaay!
When columnists argue for urgent government interference citing these $$$ figures, I know they are directly appealing to the animal spirited, libertarian, free market dude in me. I immediately swing into action and rest is history.
Karl Marx never anticipated the Earth overshoot day that we celebrate every year. Else, he would have asked the proletariat to commit suicide so that the bourgeois would starve to death.
Seizing the means of production makes no sense anymore. 3500 million years of life wouldn’t treat an anthropogenic extinction much different from that of the permian; Marx gotta smoke some opium and chill! This world of ours is a pretty complicated place.
Coming back to our original idea — sorry for straying a bit; research shows that occasional straying has helped us in refining our gene pool. At a time when men in the village walk around with small dicks, a helping hand from the forest dwelling sage would have been a blessing.
Mythological appeal — check.
In this context, I have a theory of how the word “god man” entered our lexicon. I will reserve it to another day.
Oh the tech!
G — Fotos get to see all your pics. Including the ones featuring your dick that you clicked for the lady you met through Finder last night. The AI has got so smart that now we can figure out your mood and predict a bit of your future from your dick pic.
Our folks at Dikpic Netstats accidentally came upon a treasure trove of data two years ago. A (prominant) university intranet was ravaged by Russian hackers, but one of our employees arrived just in time (On an Ooba cab, of course), and saved the day.
Just like the English East India Company hitting upon the treasures in Bengal, or Columbus hitting the Red Indians (literally with a shotgun, along with shitloads of small pox), our dude stumbled upon a folder maintained by an obscure fraternity (named something like Frappa Shitma or something) here.
The new entrants were required to click dick pics if they are to join the fraternity. A pic corresponding to different emotions were to be neatly labelled and stored in this folder. We applied some esoteric algorithms involving AI and a bit of alchemy to come up with this product.
This data set was complimented by fine grade data that we collected from geriatric wards, venereal treatment centres and porn star indices (after normalising for inflation) so that we could fine tune our invention.
Now, basically looking at your dick pic (just through the eyes of our algorithm, we respect your privacy), we can predict your expected income, social class and most importantly the kind of women you would like to date.
So we have partnered with Finder to match you with exactly the kind of women who would want to see your dick. We know how a man carry his precious dick — We created this product around this diaphanous sensitivity.
Never has it been so easy! You just click a dick pic and upload it on G-Fotos — we do the heavy lifting and find the perfect match for you — or rather the “perfect fit”!
Bonus is that we predict your likely annual income, country of residence, race of your spouse and the genetic defects your off springs may suffer (and of course, how to mitigate it!). We will juxtapose your dick with that of presidents (from B&W to Orange) and globetrotting prime ministers. The results are perfect, try Dikpik Netstats once and you will get to know.
In this world where men is at the centre and the dicks occupying the centre of their universe, we know that we have created the perfect product. Hope you like it.
Tuum adorabis coleos.
